Accounts from a screenwriter, sex worker, sexual abuse survivor, and GrDip Candidate
Before Ember
I’ve made a conscious choice never to take antidepressants, even though with my past history and diagnosis, I’m a prime candidate.
I don’t have a lot of faith in big pharma companies, and it doesn’t seem like antidepressants are doing much to benefit the people I know personally who take them. It seems a lot of psychiatrists prescribe antidepressants as a crutch, or maybe because they don’t have many alternatives, but they don’t help the people who take them to move forward. They get them stuck in a cycle of misery.
I tried things like probiotics, sleep, sun, and therapy, of course. But I got to a point early this year where all the things I was trying weren’t helping. It was very hard to eat, brush my teeth, do basic functions. I started looking at alternatives, and heard a lot of people through social media talking about ketamine. I learned that when you use it under clinical care and in conjunction with therapy, it can be really beneficial for some people, especially those who feel like prescription antidepressants aren’t working.
I recently got a new trauma-specific therapist who said one of her clients had tried ketamine and she was interested to see how it might work for me. I never had the expectation it would be a magic bullet, which was helpful.
I chose to go with Ember Health because it had a lot of research behind it. It was no frills, in a good way: this is what you can expect, this is how much it costs, here’s the data behind it, and we have plenty of trained staff. The fact that Ember has a sliding scale service for people of lower income was really helpful as well. I did a lot of research with articles from the New York Times, The Cut, and found that Ember was reputable.
My Experience
When I came in for my first treatment, I was very depressed, maybe a 24 out of 27 on the mood survey. I had a good experience going into the first session in terms of setting an intention and the staff making sure I was comfortable.
Physically, ketamine gives me a feeling of running through my thoughts so quickly, I can’t stop them from coming. But I know I’m in a safe place where I can confront all these thoughts I can’t control. For me, they are definitely not memories, but concepts. I feel like I come to an epiphany after certain sessions, like no one is entitled to my time or my money, or my ideas about sex and sexual partners, that I should enjoy sex when I have it. I think a lot about mortality and certain people in my life. Treatments help me feel more comfortable with concepts like that.
When I was incredibly depressed, I had no desire to workout or walk, and shortly after my sessions, I signed up for my gym membership, and wanted to hang out with my friends again. I think I’ve been able to open up a bit more. Before, it was difficult for me to eat, but after the first treatment, my appetite came back. Ketamine has helped me focus on my whole self so I’m not just relying on it to magically make me better.
In therapy, I was able to approach my feelings of shame and the concept that things were my fault. Ketamine made me sit and think through things, and it helped me understand none of this is my fault.
The Impact I’ve Felt
Tangibly, I went from a 20-something on the mood survey to a 6 within two weeks. Even though I still had a difficult living situation and was unemployed at the time, I was able to go from high depression to mild depression. I found myself feeling much better and more optimistic. I was much more confident, and I wasn’t sure why, but I was feeling much stronger in my sense of self.
I’ve been better about setting boundaries with people, especially family members. It may sound very obvious to someone else, but I realized that just because someone is close to me, I don’t have to give them money. With ketamine, I was able to think both logically and emotionally to come to the decision that something isn’t fair; it was like a spark, an aha, which was very helpful. It’s been the same with relationships. I’ve been consciously single since treatment, as I learn more about myself and gain confidence to seek love that is beautiful and mutually respectful.
That’s not to say that I’m not sad, only before, I felt like it was too much, too heavy to bear. But after, the pressure would be like a stone; I know it’s there, but it’s easier to carry and I can manage it a lot better. I’ve had a lot of career changes since starting care. Before, they would have really sent me spiraling, but they haven’t. I’m incredibly impressed. I’m now better able to separate work from myself. I can say at 8:00 p.m., I’m done with this, I’m going to have my weekend.
Ketamine helps me look at my trauma logically. These things that happened are terrible, but the idea that I am to blame for them or that ‘women should know better’, that’s an illogical thing to say. They don’t serve my purpose. Ketamine helped me to understand that my shame was irrational.
Before, I’d be walking around trying not to cry, and now I walk around able to live as a normal person. I’m so grateful for Ember. It’s made a big difference in my life and I’m sure the lives of countless others.