Accounts from an early 30s film & TV producer

Before Ember

I would describe my previous state as having my pilot light out. Even when I was doing things that are recommended like journaling, meditation, exercise, I still felt apathetic and like nothing really tracked. I had no motivation to take care of myself, and even when I forced myself to take a walk or a shower, I never felt good afterwards. 

I had a friend who had done ketamine therapy a few years ago. It had also come up a couple times on different podcasts I had listened to, and my therapist had brought it up to me. I hadn’t really given it much sustained thought, however. Then in the fall, I fell into a not-great episode, and my therapist brought it up again. I hadn’t had a good experience going on antidepressants, and it made more sense to try something that would take two weeks with a high likelihood of providing relief, rather than eight weeks to maybe not work.

I started looking into ketamine therapy, and my therapist suggested Ember Health. I looked into a few other places, but some of the other ones felt very clinical. I didn’t want to feel like a lab rat, I wanted to be able to relax.

The Experience

I came in for my appointment and met with Dr. Buchman, who is very calming and like a little angel fairy person. The general tone of the office felt like a serene and pleasant place. Being depressed, everything is awful, so to go somewhere that is pleasant was a new experience at the time.

During the actual infusions, I always use the same soundscape. There’s kind of a weightlessness about the experience - it always does have an Inception-y aspect to it, where it doesn’t actually make sense. It’s very dreamlike. It feels like you melt into the infusion, it’s just so peaceful, and you’re floating along with it.

I switched therapists a month and a half ago, which was a very smooth transition on Ember’s part, from everything I could tell. The new therapist has other clients who do ketamine treatments and suggested that I switch up the music to something with words, and listen to an album from someone I’m a big fan of. This way, I’d know how much longer I have in the infusion based on where I am in the album.

It was such a different experience, almost incomparable, when I switched from the soundscape to a music album. Every time you’re in a song, it’s almost like you’re dreaming with that song, and when there’s a new song, it ends the dream. I begin a new one, and I forget the last dream. With the songs, I noticed a lot of different visuals coming in.

I did feel like I was contextualizing the meanings of the song to myself - there was one moment where I would catch myself saying - “It’s not as it was,” during Harry Styles’ “As It Was” - and I was like, “Yeah, good job, build those neural pathways”.  I did feel like I was more engaged in the experience, because the songs were changing so often. I felt like I was participating in my thoughts, and not just watching them unfold. I still don’t know if I have a preference between listening to soundscapes or music albums.

The Impact I’ve Felt

Especially after my foundational appointments, I think it was really striking how much of a difference the treatment made, and it was a mental relief to know that there’s something that’s reliable and works for me that’s immediate. Following the foundation, I felt like there was more of an ease to me in every activity. Even the simplest things like getting up, going on a walk, eating breakfast, that had been a kind of a nightmare one month prior, no longer felt as steep of a climb, or a climb at all.

I definitely feel like I had a very big change in the voice in my head. It was immediately a lot gentler, a lot more positive, a lot more encouraging, and forgiving in ways that, literally the day before the appointment, it wasn’t. I have so much more confidence that I’m not going to end up in the hole that I was in, because I’ll be able to manage it so much better.

At this point, I’m six months into this treatment. I don’t know that the signs are as obvious about how treatment is taking effect, but I definitely still notice there’s a change in my sleep pattern, there’s a change in my eating patterns. The change doesn’t feel as stark as when I first started, but when I stop to think about it, I can feel what a big difference it continues to make for me.

Now I feel like I’m much more balanced. It’s not a huge lift to get out of bed, brush my teeth and wash my face like it was before I started. Now when I do things to take care of myself, even if I still have to force it, I actually feel good about it after, like it’s all worthwhile.