Accounts from a sensitive, fun, creative cat mom

Before Ember

I have a history of trauma which has expressed itself through anxiety and depression. I had tried to address it on my own through various resources - The Power of Now book, my morning affirmations, meditation - and none of it was working. With depression, it is hard to not blame yourself, to not wonder, “What am I doing wrong?” Thankfully, I realized it wasn’t my failing, but my lack of help. 

I was fortunate enough to find caring mental pros: a psychiatrist and a therapist. Therapy was so amazing, but I couldn't get my feet on the ground enough to move forward. The medication prescribed by my psychiatrist would work for a little, but then my anxiety would always punch through and the depression would crawl right back in after that. This was an exhausting cycle of doing well, and then not well (really, of hope and disappointment).

The sadness and disappointment were fed by the anxiety, and I would often have bouts of insomnia. I knew it was caused by these mental health states, but after trying so many medications, my doctor prescribed me a heavy duty sleeping pill. It was a terrible experience for me. I felt so terrible, so down, so disappointed that it oddly gave me a drive to a new solution. I needed something else - something out of the box. 

I remembered a Netflix documentary I had watched about LSD trials for anxiety and depression. I’m a risk averse person, and the whole idea of psychedelics was scary, but I was very motivated. I went crazy googling, and found studies for LSD or psilocybin, but there weren’t any nearby, or coming up soon.

Then, I found out about ketamine and Ember Health. My research suggested this treatment and the way Ember does it is legitimate. I entered my information on the website and heard back pretty quickly. I had a really great conversation with Dr. Grundmann. I think what made me comfortable was he didn’t promise me the world, something that was too good to be true. He seemed very knowledgeable, he answered my questions really well, and because I had done a whole lot of research, what he was saying was lining up. 

I was feeling so bad, and here was a little hope. I said to myself, “I have to try this.” 

My Experience

For me, this was a radical new way of experiencing care. My doctor at Ember kept saying “we are a team,” as he and my therapist would connect and talk. It makes me feel so good that there’s this team who’s working together on my behalf.

Feeling taken care of extended to the feeling in the Ember office. The delicious tea, kind and patient team, cozy chairs, warm and welcoming space all add up in a big way. The little things make a big difference. The office feels like heaven - a safe one. Feeling safe is important, or my need to feel in control takes over; which causes panic. In sessions, I’m able to let go, which is freeing. In the beginning of each session I struggle to let go of that need for control, but then I let go and enjoy the ride. It gets easier and easier every time. It’s such a nice mental break for me. 

I had never experienced psychedelics before, I really had no idea what to expect. I’m a designer and really visual. I love art museums, and the sessions are like being in my very own art show - a space just for me, created by my brain. I tell people it’s like being in a lava lamp and a kaleidoscope at the same time. My experiences are usually very colorful, beautiful and spatial. Sometimes, it will begin monochromatic and then switch into an array of stunning colors. The experience is captivating but also soothing as I “travel” through the experience. 

There are times unpleasant things come up, but it transforms into good. One time I heard the berading of a person who screamed at me a lot as a child and I froze. The room began to spin and spin, and we went down a large “drain.” I came out of the spinning drain and found myself in a room where people were chanting my name with so much love. This chorus of voices was a reminder that I’ve surrounded myself with positive people and I’m not in the place I was as a kid. 

These positive and loving experiences are so powerful, but visually it is always stunning. A lot of times the moment feels so beautiful, and the beauty itself makes me emotional - like a beautiful sunset or vista might. It reminds me that life is art, the light can hit the window in a certain way and there’s beauty there. Perhaps it’s a reflection of how I look at life, and it is cycled back to me from within myself. 

The Impact I’ve Felt

My quality of life has gotten a lot better. 

It’s changed my relationship with food, for example. I had been on a steady trend of gaining weight. My intense love affair with chocolate included eating brownies or cookies multiple times a day. I was so shocked to realize I was better able to manage after beginning Ketamine. I realized that before when I ate it wasn’t because I was hungry, eating just felt soothing.

Now, I think, “Do I really want that?” and I realize “probably not, I haven’t even eaten breakfast.” My impulse to eat is more around my hunger, rather than emotions. If I’m full, I don’t just keep eating. I didn’t expect that, but it makes sense, because I wasn’t overweight until I got depressed. I didn’t have an emotional eating issue growing up, but when my emotional state started to be depressed, it manifested in my relationship with food. Now, my brain has a moment to pause and evaluate. 

I’m also better able to evaluate situations, and realize everything’s ok - lessening how often I am triggered. I’m a people pleaser, but now I am better able to draw boundaries by not automatically assuming the world hates me. Evaluating gives me the perspective to realize, “My client doesn’t hate me forever just because the feedback wasn’t five stars.” Or, “My friend doesn’t hate me now since she can’t come to my party.” This has been a huge relief for my self-worth, anxiety and sadness. 

Treatment has also changed the value of therapy for me in terms of having more content to bring. My therapy sessions are usually the day after the ketamine treatment. It’s really helpful to break apart what I experienced and talk about it. My therapist helps me find something interesting that I might not be attuned to. She catches themes that have been coming up in therapy for the past few years. Additionally, being able to stand on my two feet (thank you Ember) has increased the impact of my medication, my therapy and the tools of self-help I couldn’t use before. Instead of blaming myself for feeling like a failure, I am proud of myself for finding a solution that works for me. 

I am a new person! I have grown so much since starting ketamine treatments and I am forever grateful.