Accounts from a 48 year old queer Brooklyn business owner and creative
Before Ember
I was severely depressed and had intrusive thoughts of not wanting to be alive and fleeing from the business I own.
My psychiatrist kept suggesting ketamine, but I was wary of it because I’m an addict in recovery. I had been on psych medications for bipolar II disorder for decades and was, once again, dealing with an untenable amount of anxiety. I took the suggestion seriously from my psychiatrist. I kept saying that I didn’t want to do anything that’s mind and mood altering. When I was in rehab, someone in my group therapy was there because they were abusing ketamine. Their stories were horrific and that was my main point of reference.
My psychiatrist laid out the options for pursuing ketamine treatment. Given my addiction history, I felt most comfortable in a setting like Ember Health. It felt more medicalized than if you were doing the at-home treatment or with a psychiatrist in their office. I’m really glad I went that route, as I don’t think I would have wanted to do it a different way.
The Experience
The doctors, nurses, and office staff have been very supportive and warm. The half hour orientation appointment, where I came into the office a few days in advance of my first treatments, was especially helpful. I had gotten surgery once and couldn’t get the attention of anyone afterwards, so I tend to have a lot of anxiety around medical procedures. Visiting the clinic and having the opportunity to meet the team before I came back for my first infusion and altered state reduced that feeling of anxiety.
The clinical environment at Ember feels very intentional. There is a clear "container" for the experience. A clinician is always present and communicating what’s going to happen next. As someone with a history of drug and alcohol addiction, who initially felt apprehensive about receiving treatment, this has been very important to me.
I found the intention setting before each session to be really helpful. I enjoy feeling like a participant in my medical care, rather than someone being “fixed”. I also happen to love building rituals. I loved the options for aromatherapy and teas that are offered. It feels good that my visits are consistent, and I know exactly what to expect.
I find that what comes up in the treatment is related to whatever I’m thinking about before I go, so whatever intention I’ve set is probably influencing what comes up. Typically, I’ve planned to have a pretty lowkey day before each session. I did have one day, however, where there was some chaos at work before my treatment. Things came up that needed to be dealt with immediately, and I thought, “I’m not going to have a good session, because I have crazy energy.” But what came up in the treatment was how grateful I am for the relationships with my colleagues at work. I felt a sense of confidence that these people can talk to each other and handle what comes up. They can take care of things and support me.
The Impact I’ve Felt
The biggest relief was when two of my big intrusive thoughts stopped almost completely. They were making it very hard to function when I first came for the treatments but didn’t return at any time during those first four foundational infusions. One of the intrusive thoughts started to return before I received my first booster. By that time, I hadn’t even remembered that those thoughts were ever bothering me. I realized that I used to live with it all the time. Even when you know that your brain is giving you bad advice, it wears you down trying to fend them off. It’s hard to have any other thoughts when you’re constantly fighting those intrusive ones.
Things that once felt like a “house on fire” also don’t have the same sense of urgency around them to be solved that they once did. For example, I’ve decided to sell my business, and rather than feeling “oh my god, I’m not going to be able to handle it,” I’m able to say to myself, “This is going to take some time, and I’ll give it the time it needs.”
I’ve also been able to get to more root causes and issues during therapy. I’m not putting out fires anymore; there’s less urgency to everything and more space for other thoughts in my brain. My infusions have helped shift my focus away from things that aren’t that important, towards things that are, like my relationships, for example.
My mental health issues go back to my early 20s and I’m now 48. I only wish this treatment had been an option for me 25 years ago. It has been life-altering.